How To Kill Yourself Painlessly

How to lose your durian virginity quickly and painlessly

We see you at the mall. We see you on the train to work. You lurk in our neighborhood, pushing grocery carts up and down the same supermarket aisles. You live and walk amongst us, exhibiting no distinct looks about you.

But, all you durian virgins, it’s the dread and yearning in equal measure in your eyes as you behold the "king of fruits" that gives you away.  

Quiver behind your white gossamer veil no longer, O chaste ones. For we've put together a guide on how to lose your durian virginity joyously and painlessly -- just in time to enjoy the tail end of Thailand's durian season. Read on. 

Durian’s larger-than-life persona can be intimidating. After all, no other fruits have been described with so many hyperbolic similes.

It also doesn’t help that long before stricter security measures on in-flight luggage and suspicious packages in hotel lobbies were introduced in the face of terror threats, durian had already got its pungent self banned from both places.  

But durian is not scary. It’s not an explosive. Its fumes don't kill people. It’s just a fruit. 

True, the thorny durian husk has been referred to as a scorned first wife’s weapon of choice when attacking the mistress in some primetime Thai soaps. But it’s not like that’s ever going to happen to you. (Well, one would hope.)

Durian also turns people into either rapturous devotees or fervent haters. Those who love do so passionately to the point of depleting their savings or, if they live with a durian-hating mate, imposing upon themselves a temporary exile to the great outdoors during durian season.

And those who hate? They heap upon the thorny fruit anything from funny, adolescent yo mama-type jokes to contemptuous, culturally-insensitive insults. 

Understandably you can’t help but wonder on which side of the divide you will land. But it doesn’t have to be an either-or situation; you may not like durian the first time yet grow to love it later just like other things in life.  

It helps to know a few things about durian before you do the deed. 

To state the obvious, durian is pungent, and while its scent is pleasing to some, it can be noxious to others.

In light of this, you may want to make sure that the smell does not follow you everywhere you go after your encounter with it.

Having some mouth rinse and scented hand wipes around wouldn’t be a bad idea. Some people swear by the method of filling the emptied-out durian seed pods with water and using that water to rinse the hands and mouth with.

How to kill yourself painlessly « My Petrichor Past

You can tell it hasn’t been a good weekend when I find it hard to get out of bed, and google “how to kill yourself painlessly”. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but that’s what I did. Here I am, a teacher of juniors and seniors in high school, and I, myself, have yet to outgrow my own teenage angst. Anyway, when you google the above, you actually will find a link to this man’s website. It makes for quite interesting reading. And it’s nice to think that you can end your life quietly and painlessly without having to blow your brains out, or jump off a building…or anything else bloody and disfiguring.

His name is Jerry Hunt, and he came up with a fool-proof way of killing himself in 1993 when he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. You can read all about it here .

Oh, don’t worry. I’m not really suicidal. I can’t manage to achieve anything in life, so why would you even think that I’d manage to take my own life? I’m cringing as I write these sentences because I do realize that they are so self-pitying and self-absorbed. It’s so embarrassing that I can barely even bring myself to write about it. I started blogging at the end of (what?) 2006 or 2007. I’ve got married, I’ve started teaching…and, yet, still I’m not happy. I’m just not very good at life.

I feel trapped – in every single aspect of my life.

I feel trapped living in this little podunk town, teaching kids – who for the most part – don’t really care. I would probably like teaching part-time, but doing it full-time is just too much. I can’t deal with the work load. If I could wave a magic wand, and have my life the way I want it, I would live in a little cabin in the mountains with plenty of time for myself to write and sing.

Maybe this will happen one day…but when? I’m nearly thirty-three years old, and I’m bogged down with debt. I can’t afford to work only part-time.

If/when I get certified at the end of this year, where will I go after that? The sensible thing would be to stay here for another year to get some more teaching experience, but this idea hardly fills me with joy. I would like to get out of this state, and move somewhere else, but it would be hard to find a job with so little experience. Some other states wouldn’t even accept my teaching certificate from this state.

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